Friday, August 8, 2008

What could this be?

The last time I ever went through something like this I was 19 or 20. I'd come home from classes and work, shower, and go to bed. If I managed to get myself up to start the next day, it would be exactly the same routine. In bed by 6 pm or even earlier depending on how quickly I got back to my apartment in the afternoons. I could look back on that time and see that I was depressed. Had to be because for Heaven's sake I lived in Atlanta, and there's tons to do in Atlanta and no reason really for plain old boredom. Weekends were spent in bed, and I mean I would sleep the entire weekend away. I might get up to go to the grocery store, but I'd be right back in bed once the groceries were put away and I had a bite to eat.

I eventually ended up back home before finishing the last two quarters I had to go towards getting my degree. I don't necessarily regret it because I believe things happen for a reason. My life underwent many changes once I got home and I personally did some self discovery and eventually felt like I was on the right track. I took the good with the bad because I've never been one of those "lucky" people, but I could handle most of whatever came my way.

Now I'm 44 years old and I feel like I'm that 19 year old girl again. I SHOULD NOT feel this way! I have a wonderful family and a son that I treasure more than anyone or anything on this earth. I also have so much coming up to look forward to: A great vacation and a weekend that I cannot wait to get here in October! I know how blessed I am, but why am I feeling so...I don't know even how to describe it. All I want to do is sleep.

I finished work last night and immediately decided not to watch any television...just curled up in the chair in the living room that for some reason has been my bed for a while and went right to sleep. I slept like a rock until 7:30 this morning, 7 hours of sleep, when I heard Jake get out of bed. I made him breakfast, checked e-mail and Tallyscrapper. I talked to Pat a bit before she left for work. Then, I curled up in my chair and just sat there. I don't let myself sleep because, of course, I have Jake to watch, but I didn't even have the sound up on the television, just sat there talking to Jake or in silence if he was off in his room playing. I didn't move until 2:00 pm! Um...I'm supposed to start work at noon! What the hay?? I've done this for more than 2 weeks now. NOT GOOD!

Yes, I take an anti-anxiety/depression med faithfully. Maybe my dose needs an increase? Who knows? Maybe it's just PMS again because I know that I get cuckoo around that time, or can being so discontented with my job make me feel this way? I've started sending out the old resume again and perhaps getting no response is dragging me down?

This feeling comes around a lot, but usually I get over it and buckle down, realizing Jake has to start school before I can go to work outside the home. This time, though, it's not going away. Perhaps Mommie is so freaking bored out of her mind that I HAVE to get out of this house? I'd never have thought that I would want to go back to work outside the home after getting my work-at-home job, and sometimes I think I'm nuts for even thinking about it, but now I think I need it. I need it for my own sanity, I think.

Wish me luck, say a prayer, or light a candle. Thanks!!

6 comments:

latte_grande said...

Oh, Jan, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! I've had similar weeks? months? go by and finally I started taking an anti-depressant! I know you said you already take one, so maybe you just need reevaluated? You shouldn't just write it off as PMS, seriously, just call your doc and talk to him/her about it! I'll be praying for you! ((((HUGS))))

Tami said...

get yoru thyroid checked if you can. i feel this way too jan. but it doesn't last that long. i think you are wearing yourself too thin....can't wait to meet you!

rachel whetzel said...

what they both said. Love you!!

Leah C said...

Jake start school this year? If not, try a day care or pre-k. I think I'm going to do that with my little ones soon... their so taxing on my mental health... and hey, maybe i need a anti depressant too... {{big hugs sweetheart}} we love ya!

gab423 said...

Get yourself to the Dr. for a quick check! {{hugs)))

Kristina said...

oh Jan....can so totally relate. I agree with what everyone before me has said. Take care of YOU....