Monday, September 6, 2010

A Month to the Day

Wow, it was August 6 when I last blogged, and here it is Labor Day, September 6. I am having blogger's block these days because so much is happening and so much is changing. I just hope I can handle it all. It's very scary. I didn't expect to be raising my son alone, doing everything on my own, and it's overwhelming if I think about it. So I'm trying not to think and just do.

I'm trying not to be angry, but that's the toughest! My friends say it's time to be angry. Maybe so.

It's hard to get over the hurt and sadness that someone can inflict, but you have to, don't you? Especially if you have a child involved in it all. And I'm just trying to do what's best for him, my top priority.

What I don't understand and what hurts the most is how someone can move on so quickly after 16 years. I'm thinking take this time and find myself again, get back that "self" I lost in the relationship and spend some time on my own. I assume that my ex would do the same. And yes, there may have been a little part of me that wondered if we just might patch things up. Nope! New woman already sleeping in what was my bedroom, visiting the people I love and taking my place. So I ask myself: Can the ex really have found someone so quickly or were they seeing this person for quite some time even while we were in counseling in hopes to repair our relationship? I choose B, but I guess I'll never know for sure.

And where does our boy stand? How do I explain to him what's going on if this family he's known since birth disappears from his life? I know divorce happens to everyone, break-ups happen, and family dissolve. But it's happening right now, it's fresh and painful, and I have to find a way to explain all of this to Jake. As I look at him sleeping beside me, I worry about him and yet I try to tell myself he'll be just fine. Dear God, I hope so. It's up to me now.