I am definitely looking forward to the New Year, definitely hoping for positive changes, and I have lots of plans, but I am feeling:
noun, plural -chol⋅ies, adjective–noun
1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression.
2. sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.
Definition #2 fits the best, I believe.
My great aunt passed away the day after Christmas. She was 88. Although I didn't see her as much as my immediate family, every time I did see her, she always had a hug for me, a squeeze of my hand, and since Jake came along, would always tell me how special he was. She was a wonderful lady.
Her passing perhaps brought about some reflection, and I'll admit I also heard Kenny G's rendition of Auld Lang Syne and although this sounds silly, the clips played of people from the past, from events that happened over the years all made me realize how much has happened in my lifetime: events that changed us all, some that shocked and astounded us, and how many people were a part of this world and are no longer with us.
In reflecting back on my own life, I realized how much I miss certain people. My mom's mother, my dad's brothers, my stepbrother, Pat's mom, and others are no longer with us and I truly miss them.
There will never be another time when I walk through the screen door at my grandmother's house and call out "yooooohoooo!" and have her call it back to me. No more walking in her bedroom and seeing a quilt in progress on top of her bed and watching her applique while we talk.
No more e-mails to my uncle, Bob, sent just to make him laugh with a smart-ass comment sent back to me, and I can't delete him from my address book because I miss him so much.
At the wake for my great aunt, a lady was telling my dad she had 5 kids, and when she asked my dad how many he had he said well, we lost one, but we have 5. My stepbrother, Jim, passed away an unbelievable 10 years ago after an auto accident. I still see how much my stepmom misses him and I can feel it when his name is mentioned or it's his birthday or the anniversary of his death. I miss him, too.
Pat's sister and her family were here visiting and brought in the New Year with us. We were talking about their mom and laughing about some of her silly sayings, some I can't even put in print here! Let's just say she loved the phrase "horse's ass" and used it regularly. What a beautiful lady she was and again, I can feel how much Pat and Karen miss her. I cannot imagine not having my mother here on earth with me.
I got to visit with my best friend, Maria, as well. I went over after work to spend some time with her and her family before they had to drive back to Raleigh. We figured it up, and we have been friends for 30 years. Do you know she looks exactly the same to me? I practically grew up in her house and her family feels like my own. Gosh, it was wonderful being there again. I even discovered that the wall we all wrote on downstairs in their workout room still has everyone's signatures on it. Her dad said, he looks at while he works out and it gives him a good feeling. Maria was going to have her kids sign the wall as well. I wish I had my camera with me that night to get a photo. That's high on my list for next time!
One of my biggest wishes for 2010 is that my personal life improves. For every step we take forward, we seem to take one back, just spinning our wheels. I just hope that we can work things out and no matter what, it will be in Jake's best interest. I'm so sad that things have turned out the way they have.
This post was actually interrupted since I started it a few days ago. I woke up this past Tuesday feeling horrible, aching all over. I made it to work, but after about 2 hours I ended up back home. I crawled into bed, called my mom to pick up Jake, and then slept off and on. I would wake myself up moaning. I don't think I've ever been in so much pain.
When my mom brought Jake home, she took one look at me and called my doctor. My flu test was negative, but with the back and neck pain I was having, he was concerned for possible viral meningitis and had me go to the ER. Once there, they gave me fluids and started some tests. Luckily, the doctor did not think I had viral meningitis, but definitely a viral illness. He said he could still be the flu despite a negative test. I was given more fluids, some pain meds, and eventually sent home.
I'm still feeling weak from it all and now Jake and I both have stuffy noses, cough, and low-grade fevers. Oh the joy of winter and school kids passing colds and such back and forth to each other!