Writing, Family, and Trying to Stay Positive

While it is taking longer than I'd hoped to see my articles on the blog, I am officially writing for All Women Stalk, a women's blog that provides you with a little bit of everything in one place.  I've even been paid in a timely manner for my first article.  While its audience may be women between 18 and 35, there is still lots of good information for women of any age.  There are articles on a huge variety of topics from makeup to sex, food and health to travel, dating and weddings, and so on.  I have always wanted to write and while this may not have been where I thought I'd start out, it certainly is great experience.  Currently, I'm working on my second week of topics.  You can bet I'll post them here so everyone can read them, and I can't wait to hear your feedback!  I'm also hoping to find my way into another writing job similar to this one or completely different; it really doesn't matter.  While writing has always been a dream, could it possibly be that I CAN do something I love and make money? 

I think I'm doing much better with maintaining a positive attitude despite the fact that it's very difficult! It's so hard not to think of my utility bills piling up unpaid, and when the cupboards and the fridge get close to empty, it's hard not to get upset.  I'm trying, though, for myself and for Jake.  Despite the feeling that it doesn't matter how positive I am, it's not going to pay anything or buy food, I'm trying.  I did end up awake until about 5 this morning worrying about everything, and that's not good.  Sometimes, I wonder if anyone can understand that this kind of thing affects you in so many ways.  Without sleep, I'm exhausted and can't think straight.  My reflexes aren't as quick.  Worry and depression have so many physical side effects.  I can't multitask anymore.  My ability to focus is nonexistent.  My memory is laughable. There's no enthusiasm for much of anything.  I've cancelled dates or meetings with friends because I just couldn't motivate myself.  The toughest is just feeling so alone.  I do my best to not think that way.

I have made more of an effort to touch base with my family this week.  I put in a call to my dad and grandmother today and enjoyed talking to both of them.  My poor grandmother has lost so much of her hearing that with my higher/softer voice, she can't hear me without my yelling.  Do you know it will tire you out to yell for 45 minutes? 

My poor mother is dealing with what we all knew she'd have to at some point.  When her stepfather died last summer, we knew that eventually the day would come to deal with the will and probate.  Not only that, but deep inside, she and I knew how her brother would end up behaving about everything.  Up until this past Sunday when they met to talk about things for the first time, he seemed to be quite agreeable with everything, but of course it was all pretense.  He pulled the "I took care of Pop for seven years and if I hadn't there'd be no land to sell."  Of course, that's not true because Pop, as we called him, ended up in a nursing home anyway, and when discussing the expenses my mom was told they weren't in the land business, but if the bills weren't paid they would do what they had to do.  Sadly, Pop wasn't in the nursing home long before he passed.  My mom and her sister are executors of the will, and my mom thought that selling some scrap metal that ended up on the property, an old tractor, and a 1930-something Chevy truck would settle the debt with the nursing home and not have to come out of anyone's pockets.  Then they could sell the land and split the proceeds from the sale three ways as the will specifies.

Sunday evening, my mom told me that now her brother wants the truck and the tractor and he doesn't want to sell his land.  In my opinion, I think he may have tried to convince my mom's sister not to sell either because she's saying she doesn't now.  There is not much road frontage to this property so this would make it extremely difficult for my mom to sell whatever her part would be of the 36 acres.  What gets me is my aunt has no use whatsoever for 12 acres of land down in the boondocks.  She and her husband are retired and comfortable, but you never know where health issues may arise.  To me, it makes sense they put their part in the bank and let it grow.  My aunt knows this, too, but for some reason she's balking.  My mom's brother has some pretty severe health issues and had  major heart surgery last year.  I can only imagine the hospital bill from that.  He's not physically able to do anything with the land or the truck or the tractor.  It's simple greed that's motivating him.  He told my mom she didn't deserve anything because she didn't help with Pop, her stepfather. I guess that doesn't matter since Pop included mama in the will, does it?  I just get so aggravated that my uncle would treat my mother this way.

A few years ago when their aunt passed, she left everything to her nieces.  My mother felt bad and gave her brother some money from her part of the inheritance and had him come with her to the sale of household items telling him that if he wanted anything to let her know.  She didn't have to do that, but she did it because she cared about him.  What she gets in return is the fact pointed out that she's "just a stepdaughter" to Pop.  Well, she is my grandmother's daughter and if it weren't for my grandmother there would be no land. That's what my aunt and uncle forget or choose to overlook.  This whole thing makes me sick and I feel bad for my mom.  I told her though, that she's an executor and that she should just take charge of it.  And when she was thinking about not taking the percentage one gets as being an executor because she thought it was unfair to her brother, I told her to take it and not feel an ounce of guilt! I think every will should have the stipulation added that the first heir to start fighting about the will should be excluded from it immediately.

As far as our new place goes, It's about as organized as it will get.  As small as the duplex is, I can only do so much.  It'll work though until things change.  It's a lot darker than any place I've lived with dark brown doors to each room and dark brown closet doors and even the wall color is a dark beige.  We have lights on most of the time.  Bad thing is, we aren't allowed to paint!  If I could only paint the closet and room doors white and lighten up the walls, it would help so much.  Don't say anything, but I may just do it anyway! 

My Sweet Boy

What an odd past few days, odd in the way that everything "felt" strange, like something was going to happen.  Nothing did, or perhaps it hasn't yet. 

I enjoyed Friday evening with a great guy I've known for about a year.  It's nice to be close to someone again, but still without strings, without pressure.  I haven't introduced him to Jake and until I know it's serious or going somewhere, I have no plans to.  We have enough going on there without my adding anything for him to stress or worry about.

Jake will start seeing his counselor again.  He even asked me if he could.  We'd thought it might be good for him to talk to someone about his anxieties.  He did really well with the counseling, although he'd only had about 3 visits.  Pat decided to not send him anymore, but I knew stopping it was a mistake.  Once again, we're back at square one if not another step back.

He is so afraid something is going to happen to me.  He gets upset if he doesn't know where I am at all times.  I have gotten out of the shower to find him sitting outside the tub waiting to make sure I made it out.  He spent Friday night with my mom and around 9:45 he called crying, worried that something had happened.  I realize this is something bigger than I could handle.   I can't leave the room without Jake following me. 

On top of this, he has become absolutely terrified of storms.  I'm talking full-fledged panic attack scared.  Every morning, we have to check the weather.  Then at least every half hour, he's looking out the window and asking me what kind of clouds are out there.  Are they storm clouds or is it nighttime and that's why it's dark? 

There are also anxieties about dying and the world ending.  I have no idea where this came from.  I know better than to have the news on or watch any TV show that may be about a topic that upsets him.

I am praying that the counseling on a more long-term basis will help him.  This breaks my heart knowing my boy is dealing with anxiety and I can't help him.

Trying to Keep Calm and Carry On

I am desperately trying to make this my mantra from now on.  I can't take the negativity, bad things happening, or plain ol' shit any longer.  I see my stress rubbing off on Jake and I can't let that happen.  No one wants to be around me and I can't blame them. I know since losing my job I have become very negative.  How could anyone stay positive when you lose a job, fail to get unemployment, have to depend on family to make it, then eventually lose the home you wanted to be yours so badly eight months later.  I've been so negative I can't stand to be around myself, so I apologize to friends and family who've had to deal with me.

The past couple of days have shown me that I need to think before I react.  Yes, I need a job, but upon accepting a part-time job I didn't take into consideration what they were paying, the hours, and what expenses I would have just to go to work every day.  I should have thought it out, but it wasn't until orientation that I knew how few hours I'd be getting.  While some may say it's better than nothing or it may lead to something else, it's right now that I have to deal with.  It's not better than nothing when I'm in the negative financially before I even get a paycheck.  Yes, it probably could have led to something good or even great, but I can't wait for that.  I know now that I must have a full time job, what I need to make hourly, and I have to go in knowing that I'm worth it.

With all this information, despite everything that has happened and may continue to happen, I decided to simply be happy again.  Who cares how many do-overs you have as long as you keep trying.    

Finding Normal

So much has changed over the past 2-1/2 years. Actually, I cannot believe it’s been that long since things kind of went upside down. A separation after so long together, a move to an apartment that never felt like home, and then another move to a place I really love and that is beginning to take the shape of home, a place that’s headed in the “homey” direction, that’s comfortable, and feels like my own. Oh, I procrastinate at procrastination when it comes to unpacking, sorting, tossing, organizing, etc. but it’s getting there. Who knew I had 8 years of toys stored in the attic? And I guess I did know I had way too much in the way of scrapbooking supplies. I probably have way too much “stuff” for the kitchen, but there was more entertaining at one time that I hope to begin again although the “stuff” could be thinned out some. Don’t even get me started on photos and photo albums. At some point, everything will have a place, and I remind myself I do not have certain furniture pieces yet that would make storing these things easier. It will all come though. Eventually.

Jake has a room of his own that usually has laundry on the bed, toys on the floor, and whatever I might be sorting through at the time laying around since we sometimes watch television there. His bathroom needs cleaning. He has clothes that are too small that need donating. He needs a curtain or blind on the window. Eventually.

My room is a work in progress. I’m fickle when it comes to colors, bedding, styles, and furniture. I love an all-white bedroom, but orange does something for me. Blue is serene and the girly girl in me can’t help but want a little pink in there somewhere. I’ll make up my mind. Eventually.

The other day, I was sitting at the dining room table working with a jigsaw puzzle. These puzzles have become my wind down, my stress relief, my brain work, and perhaps they do not help with my procrastination problem, but I enjoy them. Sitting there I looked up and saw Jake blowing bubbles on the patio and singing some song he’d learned watching a Monster High YouTube video, I heard the dishwasher humming in the background, I had the television on my favorite classic movie station, and I thought…gosh, we’ve found normal again! It was a “normal” Saturday. I had cleaned the downstairs, started the dishes, and was taking a break before I went upstairs to conquer my constant laundry pile, and “normal” was happening all around! There may be things I still need for the house, things I still need to do something with, but here we were enjoying being at home, enjoying bubble blowing and the fact that the dishes were getting done and that laundry was waiting and it was a wonderful feeling! It felt so…normal! It hit me that I didn’t need to worry about all the things that needed to be done. They were getting done, perhaps not at a pace I would have preferred, but the piles were getting smaller and the boxes were being emptied. What a great feeling it was, exciting and calming at the same time.

Jake came in the house about that time to tell me something about Monster High that he’d told me at least 1,764 other times, and I pulled him close and asked him if he knew how much I loved him. He always says yes, but I know he really has no clue. I looked at my little boy and felt very happy. It’s been a long time coming, but “normal” is back, “normal” is the new haute couture for 2012. I knew it would find us again. Eventually.

Merry Christmas!

We have an Elf on The Shelf, but he's not staying on his shelf! Elfis (cute, right?) is very mischievous! Here's what the little guy's been up to since he moved in.

He got into the Skittles!

Mistook my ceramic turkey for a horse!

Found him swinging on the light fixture!

Obviously, he's one of the Elf designers on the DS.

And today, we found a flour angel in the middle of the stove top!

Elfis has been really fun to have around for sure, and Jake cannot wait to see what he's been up to while we've been away all day.

I'm enjoying preparing for Christmas this year much more than last. My tree is up and decorated, and I've actually finished with Santa Claus already. Still have other gifts to get, but I feel good knowing Jake's all taken care of.

I found these snowflakes at Publix really cheap. I think they look cute in the window.

Our tree and mantle. My friend, Lisa, gave me the Santa portrait. I just love it! And hey, is that neck and those ears not the sweetest stuff?

I have always wanted some apothecary jars and found these for half off at Joann's. I love my grandmother's ornaments displayed in them.

My other grandmother will turn 90 in April. This past Sunday she hosted her traditional Christmas dinner for our extended family. There's usually anywhere from 25 to 40 people depending on who makes it. This year I think I counted 37. She cooks all of the food herself still, but does let my step-mom bring a couple of dishes and desserts. Everything was delish as usual, but dang it, that tradition of letting the men prepare their plates first has got to go! Most of the piggers are back in line for seconds before us gals get kids' plates prepared and then our own! Seriously, I believe her mother did dinners this way and she's kept that tradition. I'd like to think it's to get them out of the way and hush them up! Ha!

My dad. I'm so thankful he's done so well since his prostate cancer and radiation.

This is the lovely Carson D. I kind of like her a little.

And you know Rudolph.

Green beans, potatoes, corn, turkey, sweet potato souffle, dressing, gravy, nom nom nom!

In my opinion, you have never tasted a German chocolate cake as good as my step-mom's. About 2 minutes after I took this picture, the plate was completely empty.

My cousin, Hope, has connections with the big guy from the North Pole. He made an appearance at my grandmother's! The kids were very excited!

Carson had NEVER sat to talk with Santa before!! We were all very proud of her!

Will was NOT afraid to talk to Santa!

Carson's "brudder" Jackson. I kind of like him, too!

My boy letting Santa know what to bring.

Hope, who made Santa possible, with her hubby Curtis. Thanks, Hopie!


All the kids with Santa.

Another good time at my grandmother's and we're all hoping next year is just as nice!

It's only going to get busier from here. I have to finish cleaning the house for this weekend when us girls get together for my great aunt's birthday. We're all meeting here, and I'm very excited for some of them who will see my new place for the first time. I also have Christmas dinner at my dad's Saturday evening. Jake's out of school after this week and then it will be Christmas Eve before you know it! We'll go to my mom's and then Christmas morning to my grandmother's again. Hmmm...I feel the need to make a list. I have way too much to do!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Our New Place-The Living Room Part 1

I know I've posted pictures on Facebook of our new place, but I wanted to share what ideas I have for decorating and see if anyone out there has some suggestions or some assurance that what I'm doing looks good. I do have a problem though and that is I love too many different styles. I'd have to have a 100 room house to incorporate all the styles I love. I love French country and sorry, but shabby chic still remains on my list, but maybe only certain elements of it at this point. I love the look of a warm cabin, a sweet cottage, or the retro look of a 1950's Formica and chrome kitchen table and chairs. I love it all and that makes it really hard to pin down MY style and exactly what I want in my own home.

This is so cozy and warm. I can hear the rain on the roof.

And this little cottage is perfection.

Do you know what I'd give for this retro pink fridge??

I love the cleanliness and crispness of white, but I must face facts that
white furniture and an 8 year old boy do not mix!

Just look at this French country kitchen design. I don't even care about cooking!

This farmhouse style calls to me, also.

I can remember my grandmother's set. Why is this so awesome??

This is so Samantha Stevens! Simple? Linear? It just appeals to me in a big way. Not the color scheme mind you, but the style of the furniture.

Do you see what I mean? How on earth could I incorporate all the styles I like into one cohesive design? Possible or impossible? And, do I have to stick with a decor that "fits" the townhome we live in now? If you didn't see the pictures, here's our new home:

I love the kitchen. The cabinets are a cream, not white.
Sure, I'd love granite counter tops, but down the road maybe.
I'm thinking an island since there's plenty of room and of course, there's
a refrigerator now as well as some items hanging on the backsplash walls.

So here's the outside. I like the stone and brick combination
and the shrubs are gardenias, which are a big favorite of mine.

I definitely need updated pictures, but the living room is more rectangular than square with patio doors on the left of the fireplace, the dining area entry to the right. There's also a double window on the left as well. My one dislike? The flooring. It feels and sounds like plastic. I hate it. But that's another something I can live with for a while and perhaps an area rug will help.

So, I have my first real purchase coming and that's my sofa. I saw it a while back at Pier One and fell in love with it. My first choice in color was going to be the sage green, but now I've decided on taupe and that's what will be here in two weeks! It is also on sale for $100 off until the end of September. Here's a picture:



I love the shape of the back, like a sweetheart neckline on a dress, giving it a feminine look, but not too much. I think it also has a retro feel with the clean lines. It's also firm without being too hard. I don't like sinking into a sofa and not being able to get out of it without the assistance of a crane.

So, my next purchase at some point will be a storage piece/bookcases for (of course) my books, photo albums, and other items. My first choice is an Ikea piece. It comes in white, which is probably my first choice since there is white moldings through the house. I'll show you a little trick I found to liven it up though further along in the post. I do like the gray/brown pictured first, but I think it would be hard to find other pieces that go with it color-wise. The chocolate brown is way too dark, I think. What I like about these are the drawers and doors that could hide things I don't necessarily want on display such as pictures not yet in albums, some old books that don't need to be subject to the light, etc.

So, I saw this idea that gives the white bookcase some pop, and I could do something like this, adding my accent color, which I think is going to be a shade of blue.

See how they painted the backs of the cases?

I love it! Not so stark, especially if the piece is bright white.

Then there is always a much more inexpensive way to have what you need. The description of this says these are wine crates stacked and secured together to make the unit. You can also purchase crates unfinished at Micheal's or Joann's, stain them, and assemble them like so. Instant bookcase/storage. Can you get wine crates around here? Is this too rustic for what I'm going for? I'm thinking maybe it is, but I could live with it.

One more shelving option is to take inexpensive bookcases, say 3 of them, stand them as close together as possible. Secure them together and add inexpensive molding at the top and to hide the joinings, making them look like one unit. If I want them white, this would more than likely require painting, which means more labor. Here's an example someone put together for their craft storage:


Pricing for the bookcases? Ikea's piece is $910. Really expensive and out of my price range if I'm honest. Perhaps I can find something similar at a lesser price? The crate system is cheap! The crates run about $5, add in some screws and paint, and I bet you could come in under $100. The other idea, with bookcases I saw at a surplus store here in town for $47 each would total under $200 once you purchased 3, the hardware and moldings, and the paint.

I'm going to ponder on this for a while and make a decision. I'd definitely need some help with the crate system or the 3 bookcases idea. I'll look for similar pieces to the Ikea item as well, to compare pricing. It would be nice not to have to do all the work and painting involved in options 2 and 3. LOL

Suggestions? Ideas? What do you think?

Back in the Saddle

I have ignored my little blog and other things I enjoy doing for way too long now. The past year and a half has been tumultuous, stressful, and full of changes, and I’m still praying for things to settle down to anything close to normalcy for Jake and me. But what is normal, right? I know what it used to be, but who knows if it will ever be close to that again.

To recap:

May 2010 Jake and I moved out of our home with Pat into an apartment that Jake and I ended up hating. LOL! There were a few good things: the pool, Jake won a Halloween costume contest; things like that. Overall, the apartment was too small for us and I felt closed in. I guess Jake picked up on that.

If it weren’t for my parents, my good friends Lisa and Mandy, and Kelly P, I’m not sure what I would have done. My cousins helped me through it by letting me vent endlessly about the breakup, the apartment, money issues, and I’m sure it felt like on and on and on to them.

Around June 2010, I realized Pat had met someone else already. Interesting to me considering it happened so quickly, and they were already seemingly “in love”. (Gag me with a spoon!) However, the denial of any cheating again was made, so whatever! I did speak my peace concerning this person interacting with Jake at this point, so hopefully we are on the same page, and my wishes will be respected in that regard.

We actually worked out a support agreement between the two of us concerning Jake and expenses for school, medical bills, etc. for him, and so far that is working out well. Honestly, I never expected us to agree on anything and for this, I’m very grateful.

Jake and I made it through our first holidays. Pat came over Christmas morning and watched him open his gifts. Jake wasn’t happy when she left and didn’t do anything else with us.

During the holiday time, I was VERY blessed to have a lady at work and her parents sponsor Jake and me. They helped out so much with gifts for him, groceries, gift cards for me to spend on anything else he needed, and even cash. This really got us through the holidays and I felt so much better knowing Jake had the things he wanted from Santa. Despite that I never really decorated our tree and my mood was a little somber, we got through it.

Jake finished up 1^st grade in the spring of 2011. I could not believe my baby would be headed to second grade come fall! This summer he really enjoyed summer camp at Kickin’ Kids. He met his first best friend, Don Criss, and two other boys he enjoys playing with, Noah and Emerson. We still need to set up play dates for Noah and Emerson, but Jake and Don Criss are very insistent on seeing each other outside of school! They are best buddies and it’s really cute to listen to Jake’s side of the conversation when they talk on the phone. I think at one point, he was giving Don Criss a virtual tour of our place over the phone! Too cute!

Once our lease was up at the apartment and after looking for a new place for us, I found a townhouse that I am renting to own. I guess it was meant to be since it all came together the way it did, but the worrier in me is concerned that I did the right thing, that I can afford it, and that at the end of the three years I can actually purchase the home. Luckily, the owner said if I needed extra time, it was no problem.

We moved in at the end of June. My sister was a huge help along with my parents and a friend of my dad’s. Lisa B. came over and helped me unpack the kitchen and set it up. Kelly P. helped me move boxes around, up to the attic, etc. And a friend of mine, Joan, was amazing helping with moving boxes from downstairs to upstairs as well. I’d recently been in a walking boot after hurting my ankle so her climbing the stairs for me like that was a godsend!

We’re settling in slowly. There are still boxes in the garage that need to be unpacked and an organized stack of them in the living room waiting for bookcases. We need furniture, storage type pieces as well as a couch (more on that later) and a few other things. It’ll all come in time, and I’m hoping to create some artwork of my own for the walls.

Things are better than they were all the way around. Pat and I get along for the most part; we have our agreement on financial support as well as visitation so I guess we’re okay.

Jake isn’t enjoying 2^nd grade as much as 1^st, but hopefully that will change. He’s been back for about a month and a half so I’m hoping it’s a matter of him adjusting to the increase in schoolwork as well as homework, no naps or rest times like in kindergarten and first grade, and a lot more structure thrown into the mix.

My mom has been a blessing for us as well. She helps with Jake when she can, and I enjoy spending time with her and wish we could spend more together. Thanks to her, my wonderful Pier One Imports sofa is on its way and should be in our home in 2 weeks. I’m so excited to know it’s coming- a good start to decorating our new home. I’ll definitely be posting my ideas on decorating soon.

I’m seeing a little more of Amy, (my sister)not like I’d wish, but more than in the past. I hope she’s doing well and can accomplish some of her goals, too. She deserves to be happy, and I think if the two of us can overcome our own self-doubt, it make work out for both of us.

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and is over halfway through his radiation treatments after surgery. I’m so glad he’s doing so well and pray every day that he is cured from this. It’s been so hard on him and my stepmom, but also on my grandmother. She has worried herself so over her son, and who can blame her? Overall though, my dad is great, feeling well with no radiation side effects, and we are so grateful.

I still enjoy my job for the most part. There’s really no room for advancement of any type, and this company really isn’t known for giving raises, but I have insurance, the pay could be a lot worse, and one thing that gets me through it is I have my own office. Although people come in and out during the day, I’m basically alone and that’s how I like it. I’m hopeful that next year I will not use up all of my PTO time on Jake or me being sick. We both had the flu, I hurt my ankle at work, but still had to take PTO time to see the doctor, which I think is wrong, but oh well, and I’ve had some other health issues so not one of my 128 hours of PTO was used for any fun. Jake and I have started a vacation $ jar and we’re planning on no sickness to use up my PTO and a fun vacation for us, even if it is a trip down to the beach for a long weekend. I’d love to take him to Disney because I think he’d really enjoy himself, but I may be reaching too far.

My friends, Lisa and Mandy-what can I say? They are wonderful to Jake and me, and I appreciate them so much. Kelly P.-gosh, he's helped us so much and Jake has a Wii competitor, too.

Lastly, and I’ll write more about this later, I have discovered something about myself. I may have blogged previously about seeing a counselor and dealing with weight/eating issues. After changing counselors (because the previous counselor was one that Pat and I both saw for couples’ counseling as well as individually), I know now that I have a true eating disorder. It’s really hard for my family to understand. I think they just see me as someone who enjoys food and over eats. Well sure, I do enjoy food. Who doesn’t? But, they don’t understand the binging, the night eating, the compulsiveness about it all, and how it is much, much more than overeating and not exercising or needing to diet. Perhaps also they think I'm just using that as an excuse? I think my cousins understand and are very empathetic because they too struggle with food issues. I think my friends understand although perhaps they think it’s simply a lack of willpower? I’m not sure. Hopefully, I can explain enough in later blog posts to help them understand more about eating disorders.

For now, I’ll leave off here. I can’t catch up a year’s worth of events and changes in one post, but I’m planning to start doing the things I love again, the things that keep me going on another level, things that allow me to be creative, and that inspire me to be a better mom and a better person all the way around.