My Sweet Boy

What an odd past few days, odd in the way that everything "felt" strange, like something was going to happen.  Nothing did, or perhaps it hasn't yet. 

I enjoyed Friday evening with a great guy I've known for about a year.  It's nice to be close to someone again, but still without strings, without pressure.  I haven't introduced him to Jake and until I know it's serious or going somewhere, I have no plans to.  We have enough going on there without my adding anything for him to stress or worry about.

Jake will start seeing his counselor again.  He even asked me if he could.  We'd thought it might be good for him to talk to someone about his anxieties.  He did really well with the counseling, although he'd only had about 3 visits.  Pat decided to not send him anymore, but I knew stopping it was a mistake.  Once again, we're back at square one if not another step back.

He is so afraid something is going to happen to me.  He gets upset if he doesn't know where I am at all times.  I have gotten out of the shower to find him sitting outside the tub waiting to make sure I made it out.  He spent Friday night with my mom and around 9:45 he called crying, worried that something had happened.  I realize this is something bigger than I could handle.   I can't leave the room without Jake following me. 

On top of this, he has become absolutely terrified of storms.  I'm talking full-fledged panic attack scared.  Every morning, we have to check the weather.  Then at least every half hour, he's looking out the window and asking me what kind of clouds are out there.  Are they storm clouds or is it nighttime and that's why it's dark? 

There are also anxieties about dying and the world ending.  I have no idea where this came from.  I know better than to have the news on or watch any TV show that may be about a topic that upsets him.

I am praying that the counseling on a more long-term basis will help him.  This breaks my heart knowing my boy is dealing with anxiety and I can't help him.

Trying to Keep Calm and Carry On

I am desperately trying to make this my mantra from now on.  I can't take the negativity, bad things happening, or plain ol' shit any longer.  I see my stress rubbing off on Jake and I can't let that happen.  No one wants to be around me and I can't blame them. I know since losing my job I have become very negative.  How could anyone stay positive when you lose a job, fail to get unemployment, have to depend on family to make it, then eventually lose the home you wanted to be yours so badly eight months later.  I've been so negative I can't stand to be around myself, so I apologize to friends and family who've had to deal with me.

The past couple of days have shown me that I need to think before I react.  Yes, I need a job, but upon accepting a part-time job I didn't take into consideration what they were paying, the hours, and what expenses I would have just to go to work every day.  I should have thought it out, but it wasn't until orientation that I knew how few hours I'd be getting.  While some may say it's better than nothing or it may lead to something else, it's right now that I have to deal with.  It's not better than nothing when I'm in the negative financially before I even get a paycheck.  Yes, it probably could have led to something good or even great, but I can't wait for that.  I know now that I must have a full time job, what I need to make hourly, and I have to go in knowing that I'm worth it.

With all this information, despite everything that has happened and may continue to happen, I decided to simply be happy again.  Who cares how many do-overs you have as long as you keep trying.